


Anger, Sadness, Emptiness and I

by MallowJum



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Feelings, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, look these kids need to work out their emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:01:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22913650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MallowJum/pseuds/MallowJum
Summary: Gracelessly, she kicks open the door and sits down at her porch. She just hopes that none of her friends see her. Not that she doesn't value their presence, just...she doesn't want any of them to see her like this.But of course, the universe never favors Kairi.-Ever since Sora dissapeared, both Kairi and Riku had to deal with some troubling emotions.
Relationships: Kairi & Riku (Kingdom Hearts), Kairi/Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Kairi/Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 31





	Anger, Sadness, Emptiness and I

**Author's Note:**

> hfhhj i started this when i finished kh3 and it's been collecting dust ever since. but because of all the Re:mind stuff i've been getting kinda pumped about kingdom hearts again, so i finished it!  
> Btw, you can read the riku/sora and kairi/sora as platonic, but i just put it in the tags because thats how i had it in mind  
> hope you enjoy!

Kairi can't believe this.

No, she honestly can't believe this! It's been two weeks already. Two weeks! Two weeks, filled with her burying her anxiety deep, deep down and not daring to show a speck of it, all in favor of keeping spirits high. Two weeks of hidden tears, hard training, being an emotional support for everyone, and some more tears. Two weeks of expanding emptiness building up in her heart.

Two weeks since Sora disappeared.

It was both unexpected and totally predictable. Predictable in, everyone was sure that _something_ was going to happen. Unexpected in _this_ happening.

Sora brought Kairi back, something neither of them could explain. Their memories were fuzzy and there were no other people that could tell them what happened. But no one really cared _how_ it happened, only _that_ it happened. Everyone was just glad that the two of them came back unharmed and Kairi wholeheartedly agreed.

And everything seemed fine! Everything felt right, her, Sora and Riku back together with nothing to separate them. They even celebrated, all of them. Everything was great.

That was, of course until Sora disappeared without any trace.

First, they searched the house. Then the main island. When they didn't find him there, they went over to the island they always visited as kids. But no, he was nowhere to be found. It took them four hours of searching to finally acknowledge that he was gone. They wondered if he could've flown somewhere with the gummi ship but Chip and Dale quickly confirmed that no one touched the ships.

Sora was gone and no one had an idea where to.

And that's why Kairi's pacing around her room, thoughts running wild. She couldn't believe this. When a friend goes missing, the first thing you think of is help find them again, right? So why? Why doesn't Master Yen Sid allow it? Why isn't she allowed to search for her best friend, the person that always gives their all to help her? Instead, he said some stupid bullshit about, 'keeping her safe' and 'protecting her from harm'.

Kairi had to gather all her self-restraint, so she wouldn't start screaming at this man, right there and then.

She knows that she isn't as strong as Riku, as Aqua or as Roxas. She knows that! That's still no excuse! She still has the right to search and find Sora. No, not only the right. It's her duty!

Kairi can't believe this.

She halts. Take a few deep breaths, this isn't going to go to her head, she isn't going to snap because of this. She can't. She's not allowed to.

After closing her eyes and counting to ten, she can feel her pulse calming down. Good, that's good. Calm.

Her eyes open, she looks at her surroundings again. Her room. Not that she notices but it looks like a pigsty – good thing no one entered it. With sluggish movements, she picks up her dirty laundry in silence, only passively noticing what she's even doing.

Ah, looks a little bit cleaner. That's something.

A sigh escapes her mouth. She feels like anything could shoot her back up to the furious state she was in. Maybe fresh air will better her mood, she doubts it, though.

Gracelessly, she kicks open her door and sits down at her porch. She just hopes that none of her friends see her. Not that she doesn't value their presence, just...she doesn't want any of them to see her like this.

But of course, the universe _never_ favors Kairi.

She looks up from the floor, feeling like someone is watching her. And there he is, Riku approaching from the distance. A sigh barely escapes her throat, and she rubs her hands all over her face, hoping that her eyes aren't puffy or red. Riku starts jogging towards her and she waves, hoping that her smile is convincing.

"Hey, Riku!"

He slows down once he's close enough. "Hey. Got space for one more?" he points at the porch Kairi is sitting on.

"Sure." she shrugs. She's a little confused, considering that Riku probably has his hands full, and wouldn't really have time to stop for a small chat with her. This must be important.

Riku silently sits down next to her, the wooden porch slightly creaking. They haven't done this in a long while, she realizes. Just the two of them, sitting together, having each other.

"It's nice," he says. "The sunset here. I never really appreciated it until now."

They both look at the setting sun, how it seems to be swallowed up by the bright ocean. Even after the sun is out of sight, underwater, you could see it's effects on this world still – painting the sky in a red and orange hue, gradually into a blue gradient, until night befalls the island, and the sky is dark enough to show the many, many stars.

Kairi lays down on the porch and tries to soak in the last color from the sky.

"Kairi?"

"Hm?" she closes her eyes. The waves crash against the land, and she hears birds in the distance. She's calm. She has to be.

"I know it's not much but... I'm here."

"Wh-" she sits up. "Of course you're here."

Riku shakes his head. "I mean-" he searches for the right words. "I mean, you're always here for everyone. You're always here for me." he looks at the ground, fiddling with his hands.

She's always there for everyone. She is. Because all she's good for is moral support. Apparently.

"You – I don't know what we'd be doing without you, Kairi." his voice grows slightly desperate. "I – I don't know how often I would've given up. I feel so... so useless."

Kairi can feel her lip quivering. "Useless?" she's almost taken aback by how cold she sounds. "You? You feel useless?"

She stands up from the porch and walks a couple steps forward. Behind her, Riku follows suit.

"How can you-" Riku, the Keyblade Master. Riku, who is Sora's best friend. Riku, who is everything but- "Useless?" her voice cuts off. "You-you're not-"

Distantly, she's aware of her hands shaking. Distantly, she's aware of Riku approaching. Distantly, she knows that she's not wearing the smile that she needs to shows everyone.

"Kairi?" Riku asks carefully.

"I'm so sick of it," she spits through her gritted teeth.

"Huh?"

"I'm so damn _sick of it!"_

She snaps around to Riku, grabs him by his collar and pulls him down. "How can you, _you_ of all people, feel useless?!"

"I-"

"Do you know how frustrating it is? Do you know how much I hate 'being there for everyone'?"

"Then why-"

"I wanna be there for everyone in a way that matters! I want to save Sora because he's done the same for me so, so, so many times!" for a second, her grip loosens, before she tightens her fists around the fabric again. "I want to save Sora because... someone as kind as him – someone with so much kindness as him..." she takes a shaky breath. "Someone like that shouldn't feel pain this bad ever again."

Riku looks down at her. "And what about you?"

"What?"

"What about you? What about me? We are allowed to feel this pain?" on his face is a smile, but it doesn't reach his eyes. In the reclusiveness of her mind, Kairi calls the smile 'repulsive'. Towards who, is unclear.

"It's not the same. We do this to ourselves. Sora – Sora is caught up in something." Kairi doesn't meet Riku's eyes.

"But is he really? When he decided to save you – didn't he come to terms with the pain that it will bring?"

Kairi stays silent.

Riku laughs coldly. "You know, between the times where I'm not sad, or worried, or pushing down every emotion that might interfere with finding Sora, I'm angry. I'm mad."

She glares at him for an explanation.

"Sora recklessly sacrificed himself – as if he hadn't known that we would search for him. As if he hadn't known how – how _hurt_ you'd be."

"Me?"

"Yeah. He went and – and _disappeared_ for you, to bring you back. And how does that make you feel?"

"Awful."

"Exactly. Awful. We all feel awful." the fake smile slips from his face. "I'm angry. Both at Sora, and at myself. If I just protected you from the beginning-"

"Don't," she tells him sharply. "Don't blame yourself."

Riku looks her in the eyes. "Alright. I won't."

He won't blame himself _out loud_ is what he's saying. But Kairi doesn't want to push anymore. Hands sweaty, she lets go of Riku's collar. She turns around, trying to recollect herself.

It's not working. She tries to think of happy things but all that comes to mind is anger, sadness, and emptiness.

"Kairi."

She doesn't turn around, but Riku isn't bothered by that.

"You don't need to pretend. Not in front of me."

Her hands find their way to her heart and her shoulders begin to shake. The warmth of Riku's hand on her arm spreads through her.

"I'm not... proud of feeling the way I do. I'm not proud that I'm angry at Sora. Because what he did was selfless. He never did anything with malicious intent towards you, or me. The very same thing that I love about him, makes me angry." he turns Kairi around. "But while I'm not proud of the way I feel, I know that I shouldn't hide it. At least not from everyone. At least not from you."

It takes all her willpower to not let the tears in her eyes spill. Riku takes the hands that rested on her chest into his own.

"I came here because I wanted to say... I'm here. I'm here for you."

Kairi sniffs. And then she wraps her arms around Riku and she cries. She cries and cries and cries, because it feels like there's water in her lungs and it's getting hard to breathe. Because nothing has been right, ever since it all first fell apart. Because Riku is here for him, and Riku understands.

"I'm, I'm angry too," she manages between the sobs. "At everyone. At Master Yen Sid. At you. At myself." she can feel Riku nod into her shoulder.

"I know. I know," he repeats, almost like a mantra.

"And you know, I keep on losing hope. I can't stop myself from imagining all the bad things that happened to Sora, or that are happening to Sora and – I feel so sick, thinking about that stuff."

"Because everyone else seems to have their hopes up high?"

"Because everyone else seems to have their hopes up high."

Riku nods again. He understands. He understands.

"Riku..." she breaks the hug, in favor of looking at him. His eyes are watery. "When did I forget that you're my friend?"

He smiles, but this time it's for real. "I guess around the time when I forgot."

She smiles back. "Come in. Let's... let's talk over some tea." she leads the way, back towards the house. "Or we don't need to talk. If you want."

Riku doesn't say anything. He just follows her in.

While preparing tea, Kairi realizes that the reason why she suddenly feels comfortable confiding in Riku is that he and she are more similar than she thought. Their feelings towards themselves, and their feelings towards Sora. They're the same.

And that what connects them.

That's what makes them so strong together.

**Author's Note:**

> im gonna be honest, i don't really like how this turned out, but im still gonna post it bc hnnhh otherwise it'd be just forever in my drafts bc i dislike rewriting old fics  
> even though i didn't like it as much i still hope some of you did,,, let me know, comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> thank you for reading!


End file.
